Mark vs Cancer

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Art of Despair

Last year, I produced three Demotivators of my own. You may remember them. But probably not.

I've since added a few more. They're all included in this post for your perusal. Check them out.

Following them, you'll find a letter that I'm actually sending to Despair.com to see if I can make some money off of my latent cynicism.

Enjoy.


MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
When pulled in opposite directions by powerful forces,
an organization, like a rope,
snaps at its weakest point.





FARCE
If we continue this charade long enough,
we might start believing it's true.





HUMAN RESOURCES
For every pound of beef provided by a cow,
it produces in its lifetime
one thousand pounds of waste.




OBLIVIOUSNESS
You're spinning your wheels and going nowhere.
But apparently you're unaware of that.





SCRUTINY
It's a small world, after all.
Very, very small.





PEER REVIEWS
It's payback time.



COMMISSIONS
Another day, another dollar.
Sometimes less.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

5 October 2008

Dear Dr. E.L. Kersten et al,

I have been a fan of Despair.com for some time. I have yet to ever purchase anything, mind you, but that hasn’t stopped me from unethically cutting and pasting your Demotivators into various blogs and emails of my own. I prefer things that are free.

But for all the past glory of Despair.com, I think it is plain to see that your best days are behind you. Your recent Demotivators are charming, but hardly contain that same acerbic bite of yesteryear.

It’s obvious that you need someone to freshen your stagnant pond of despair. And that person would be me.

I am including with this letter five Demotivators of my own creation. I am certain you will find their quality and ironic conveyance of total despondency of the most superior quality. I am equally certain that you will then offer to pay me Big Moolah for the rights to these. Don’t even think about using them without compensation. Know that I’ve got lawyers up the wahzoo who are itching for some deep-pockets to sue.

And believe me, these are only the tip of the iceberg. There’s a whole lot more despair where these came from. In fact, I’ve got ten more already produced and ready for you. Look at it this way: I’m the engine, and you’re the vehicle. I’m like the creative slacker who cynically produces the latest dimwitted, assembly-line, lowest-common-denominator Hollywood blockbuster, and you’re the theater. I make the goods, you get it to the public, and we both make the aforementioned Moolah. It’s a win/win situation. Just as long as I’m winning a little bit more than you.

I’m serious. You don’t want to turn me down. It’s not every day that someone waltzes up and offer to save your lousy business from financial ruin. (Unless you’ve been on Wall Street the past few weeks.)

One final thing: I’ve got some great marketing ideas for you, new lines of Demotivators geared towards specific fields, such as healthcare providers, new parents, struggling artists, and middle managers, all veritable hatcheries for despair.

I mean, come on. Don’t you think it’s time you expanded beyond the disaffected college student market?

Email me or call.

Have a terrible day. :-(

Mark




3 comments:

Matthew said...

What's the deal? Why are the comments to this reposted? I wrote the one above like 2 years ago! Now I feel demotivated.

Actually I just wanted to give you props for the ones I hadn't seen before. The "Peer Review" one in particular made me laugh out loud! I think you would make an excellent Despair employee.

Now fix that comments bug!

Goose said...

I like the demotivators, but the letter might be a little over the top! You got real talent man, pursue it and big things can happen. I believe.

Em said...

This is funny.

My favorite is Obliviousness.